Oh well,

Should I start giving people heads up that I might (unintentionally) act like a perfectly normal human being and be nice to them?

It seems like I have lost every bit of understanding to human behavior and how guys see us girls. And of course in case you’re wondering what the frog is going on, I suggest you read on and know how I was like way, way.. way back. (I’m almost 29 so Whoopie-Freaken-Doo)

Second year in college, I, on my own, following a basic need to fulfill, wore hijab and I couldn’t be happier. I fit the description of a good Muslim girl, and to your surprise, I used to pray regularly, I was a good daughter, I made no mistakes, I was single almost all my college years and life at the time was good, it was peaceful and I felt like I could take on the world. As years passed by, I felt old and out of place so naturally, I tried taking it off but my parents (my mother that is) wouldn’t let me so I was stuck with it and you wouldn’t wanna be stuck with something as important and spiritual as this because it will only make you feel like something is unbelievably wrong, not only with you, but with the world.

I graduated, fell in love, got my heart broken, shifted from one job to the other and I grew up and it felt like I was not growing up on the inside as much as I was growing up on the outside. I took the decision to take it off in 2011 for reasons that I’m not going to bore you with, but let’s just stick to the - I felt old- excuse.

All my life I’ve been the nice girl; the one who would happily give you her lunch money and wouldn’t care if she hadn’t anything to eat. I was the girl who would pick up her friends and drive them wherever they want no matter where that was. I was the girl who would put everybody first. Some might say a push over... long story short, I may have let people walk all over me. I was nice! I thought nice was a good thing. What harm could I possibly gain from being nice!! And boy, little did I know! Being nice for starters can actually get your heart to break more than once (proven to be true),it could hinder your life, It could put you last,  it could let guys see you not so much as the way you see yourself or want them to and this is when it really stings.

I went from a girl in hijab, incredibly decent and shy to someone who is obviously not wearing hijab anymore, not really all that nice (I’m totally lying), and more outspoken and vocal about certain aspects of my life like my relationships for example and I don’t mind it AT ALL (and you can suck it if you do). The one thing that I couldn't get rid of was the nice part. I tried to shake it off or outgrow it and I must say that I succeeded at times but I can’t help it, it’s in my makeup and how I am and how I will always be. Guys never seem to understand the very fine line between being nice and being easy. (Well, assholes definitely don’t). Their functioning brain might slightly get it but their other brain, not so much. I’d like to thank 4  special guys (by special I mean jerks) who made me rethink my existence and to what extent I should be nice to guys. Nevertheless, the conclusion was pretty clear; I will forever remain a nice person. It is absolutely your fault if you were to mistake me for someone who is easy. I went under a lot of changes and transitions in my life that I won’t let the one thing that makes me ME to change. I will not alter myself to fit today’s perception of how strong, independent women should be. I will not abide by any rules except my own.I will not care for some jerk respecting me (They're called jerks for a reason, you know). And for guys -the weird horn-dogs of their kind- MAN it sucks to be you!! 

Dear blog

I've missed you!

Life has been ridiculously overwhelming lately and as much as I have wanted to come to you but I couldn’t and for that I’m sorry.

I’m kinda standing in the middle of nowhere going lunatic for wanting to write about being the middle child and how it’s been affecting my life now more than ever, how my family is seeing me as the Grinch of the family (No, I’m not overreacting) And wanting to talk about the misfortunate number of guys that have crossed my path for the past 8 months..Well, maybe I’ll save my severe case of middle child syndromism to a very professional and highly paid psychiatrist.

As it has been said on Grey’s Anatomy (And yes I’m quoting the show. Come on the show is brilliant), it’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self…  And truth is, I’m painfully aware of how things are and how it’s putting me in a state of continuous surprise that I always find myself rather confused and angry than unhappy.

When I just stop there for a second and think about my life, there’s this one significant fact about it that comes screaming at the back of my mind and I know in my heart that I couldn’t feel more ashamed of it cause WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! In my defense, I was going through a breakup so, you know how it goes. As a “lady” I will not say how many they were…Psht, yeah right... (there was the horny, think he knows it all guy, there was the guy who just couldn’t take a hint nor a NO for an answer, there was the guy who showed up whenever he felt like he missed me, there was the guy ebn el nas el kwayesa is what I call him by, who happened to be amazing but a little nuts, that one I actually liked but oh well.. those are the ones I could remember). I can honestly and completely say that each and every one of them taught me something valuable that added to my personality and I don’t remember me being that strong or even standing up for myself with any guy as much as I did with those guys. I don’t know how I did it but I did.

My quoting Grey’s Anatomy has everything to do with how I feel that I couldn’t find the audacity to say. I’m not in any way okay with how painfully ironic life is right now and when they say things happen for a reason, BULLSHIT!! I don’t get that anymore nor will I ever get it because there is not a good enough reason in the world that helps justifies me going through what I’m going through or feel how I feel right now; why those bunch of guys came into my life, why things went downhill with one of the closest people to my heart, why things change so unexpectedly and fast, why I always seem to lose grip, why I try and try to get through to someone and all I get is nothing, why that person hates me that much, and why I can’t have the one guy that I’ve been wanting for a while!!!!

Life, as much as I’m completely aware of your agonizing truth that you’re not anywhere remotely close to being fair, but here’s the thing, I don’t think I life you anymore.

Unconditional love

I should have written this 24 days ago..

2/11//2011, that's when it happened, that's when life made sense and that's when I burst into happy joyful tears at his sight.. 

It started out a day earlier, I was out with couple of my friends, having our fun, my mom called with the news, I had to go pick her and my sister up all the way from maadi to nasr city, then all the way to 6th of October to my brother's house and I was thinking to myself "isn't she supposed to be at the hopsital groaning and scraming out of the excruciating pain or something?" We arrived at the house, mom and my sister went upstairs to help her pack her stuff or whatever and of course I had to stay in this area before this huge beautiful garden to play with my brother's new dog 'Etto', and for those of you who don't know this by now - YES I HAVE A BIG THING FOR DOGS- they bring me so much joy and I trust them more than I trust us humans Aaaand I'm gonna stop before this post turn into a dog post.

I will never be able to wrap my head around the reason that made me write about this just now and not earlier, THAT, and the fact that I'm blogging about it while I'm at work.. <15 minutes later> I fazed out, got distracted by a blog about relationships and broken hearts, who needs that crap, -I'm back here again- so It wasn't until next day that I got to lay my eyes on him, the whole family couldn't get their shit together and tears were all over the place. Adam was finally here.

I don't think I've ever been that genuinely happy in my entire fucked up existence, nothing in the world mattered, not a job, boyfriend, friends, not even food. And as much as I was on cloud nine, I couldn't help myself from thinking and over analyzing the situation.. Remember that episode from Friends when Monica just got engaged and they were all going to celebrate at the Plaza, the one with Monica's thunder!?, remember what Rachel did and how she felt? I felt exactly like her. I couldn't help myself from thinking that as much as I was incredibly happy for my brother and my sister in law, and thrilled because of Adam, but it reminded me that I didn't have all of that, it reminded me that I was not anywhere remotely close to having a family of my own and it saddened me a little.


Adam, I loved you way before I got to meet you, I will always protect you from whatever and be your rock, you can always count on me and I can assure you I will be the coolest aunt in the entire world. Seya3a & non seya3a stuff. 

In my veins

Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Everything will change
Nothing stays the same
Nobody is perfect
Oh, but everyone is to blame
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
Will find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
No I cannot get you out
No I cannot get you out
Oh no, I cannot get you out
No I cannot get you out
Everything is dark
It’s more than you could take
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight
Shining
Shining down on your face
Your face
On your face
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
No, i cannot get you out
No, i cannot get you out...
Oh no, I cannot get you...

London, I love you

Do I want to go back in time to the person I used to be? Not sure. Do I want to go back where things were much simpler? Hell yea I do.


I don't have a problem with the kind of person I am now. Well, don't get me wrong, the core with all its essence is still the same, but I've changed so much in the past year alone that could last me eternity and sometimes I think of that as a great thing and other times I kinda miss how I used to be. I am who I am now because of a certain person and a lot of other bunch of crap, but yea, mostly that person. I don't know if he unintentionally changed me or I changed because of him, because of his presence in my life or because of how much I loved and put my world around him...


I want to go back in time when I first met him, and maybe then I might do things differently and not have to live as a changed person. I want to go back in time to my trip to London because I was more myself then than any other time.


There is no point to this post except to say that I miss every single person I was with in London and to simpler times, please find your way back into my life.

Disaster

It's thursday before eid and everybody is not working or acting like they are, I'm bored so this had to happen.. 


And may I add that I luuurrrve her new attitude!!

I'm trying not to pretend,
It won't happen again and again like that.
I never thought it would end,
'cause you got up in my head, in my head like that.
And made me happy, baby, love is crazy,
So amazing, but it's changing, rearranging,
I don't think I can take anymore

'Cause the walls burned up and our love fell down,
And it turned into whatever, now we're saying never.
Feel the fire 'cause it's all around,
And it's burning for forever and always.
You gotta let it go the other way
And live for another day,
'cause it ain't the same, my baby.
Watch it all falling to the ground.
No happy ever after ‒ just disaster.

I didn't want it this way,
I only wanted to say I loved you right.
But now you're walking away,
And leaving me here to stay,
So foolish of me to wait for you to realize
All the things I gave you, made you,
Changed you, your dreams came true
When I met you, now forget you,
Don't want anymore

'Cause the walls burned up and our love fell down
And it turned into whatever, now we're saying never.
Feel the fire 'cause it's all around,
And it's burning for forever and always.
You gotta let it go the other way
At least for another day,
Cause it ain't the same, my baby.
Watch it all falling to the ground.
No happy ever after ‒ just disaster.

You shot the bullet, you shot the bullet that killed me,
Not feeling my heart beat, and now it's dying.
I am through it, I-I am through the agony,
Now my eyes are drying, drying,
No more crying,
Lying's just a game.
So disaster strikes,
And I'm alright
'cause my love's on its way... 
Burning up forever and always...

'Cause the walls burned up, and our love fell down,
And it turned into whatever, now we're saying never.
Feel the fire 'cause it's all around,
And it's burning for forever and always.
You gotta let it go the other way
At least for another day,
'Cause it ain't the same, my baby.
Watch it all falling to the ground.
No happy ever after ‒ just disaster.

'Cause the walls burned up, and our love fell down,
And it turned into whatever, now we're saying never.
Feel the fire 'cause it's all around,
And it's burning for forever and always.
You gotta let it go the other way
At least for another day,
'Cause it ain't the same, my baby.
Watch it all falling to the ground.
No happy ever after ‒ just disaster, just disaster

Burning for forever and always, 

10 Ways you know you're over you're ex

I want to share with you single people in the dating scene an article I read (from youvebeendumped) which talks about how one knows if one is over an ex:


1. Thinking about your ex less: you realize that you’re no longer thinking of your ex all the time and no longer torturing yourself about what could have been. Even when you do think about your ex from time to time (which is perfectly normal), it doesn’t make you feel sad, angry, hurt, bitter, etc. You may remember the goods times you’ve shared without bursting into tears.
2. Plotting: You’ve accepted that you and your ex are not getting back together, and you’ve stopped praying for reconciliation.
3. Music: You can listen to music that reminds you of your ex without being an emotional wreck. And not all love songs remind you of your ex anymore.
4. Pictures: You can look at old pictures of you and your ex with a sort of detachment. Sure, you may still feel a bit sentimental, but you are not bursting into tears thinking about the good old days, and any setback you feel is brief.
5. Ending the race: You don’t feel the need to prove anything to your ex, e.g., wishing to bump into your ex to show off a hot new “replacement” so that you can prove that you’ve moved on.
6. Not taking revenge: You’re pleased, or at least indifferent, when you hear that you’re ex is doing well, and you’re not secretly celebrating your ex’s misfortune.
7. Looking for him/her wherever you go: You don’t look into shops, bars, or other places where you ex might be, hoping to run into him/her. If you do run into your ex, though, and your heart races a little, it apparently does not mean that you are not over him/her.
8. Revisiting former haunts: You are able to go back to places where you and your ex used to go, which you have been avoiding since the split.
9. Your ex having sex …. with someone else: You can picture your ex having sex with someone else or being in a relationship with someone else, and it doesn’t make you hurt, angry, jealous, or extremely emotional.
10. Reading their horoscope: You’re no longer reading your ex’s horoscope and obsessing over your ex.

From the big sis with love

They say you never know what you got until it's gone... Oh wait!! That's not it.. God, that quote is everywhere.. What I was going for is this, you never realize how small and slightly insignificant your troubles are until you see another person going through what is 100 times worse than what you are going through and boy my baby sister went through it all!!

My sister and I are not really that close but I love her to death and I'd definitely take a bullet for her, no doubt about it. Not quite the thing you would love to share with your sister but we shared a break up, hers with her 3 years old college sweetheart and mine, with my 1 year boyfriend/friend. And I remember clearly at the time how much I wanted to be there for here to console her and ease her pain but I was so caught up in my drama, I was so self involved in my own shit that I thought in order for me to feel better, I’d have to keep reminding  myself about the blunt painful truth that was my sister’s breakup and how much much worse she was having it.

He was her first boyfriend... the ‘puppy love’, the kinda love that makes you think you can strip naked and go for a walk thinking ‘who cares’ because you are in love and the world never seemed better or more beautiful for that matter. They stayed together for 3 years, they were inseparable, same college, same social networks, same friends, they went everywhere together, inside Egypt or outside, families loved each other, he came over all the time and we all felt good about this, we almost heard wedding bells in the air. Now, you see, to come across something like that, you would think life is good and nothing would ever mess with it, but think again…

Well, they broke up (like I didn’t mention it earlier.. Duh) The guy felt that he was too young to get involved with someone, knowing that right before the breakup, he started seeing this other … *coughs* bitch *coughs* … girl (What? She totally is I promise). So his excuse was this; he wanted to live a little, roam around just a while… (My ass) And of course we were all devastated and crushed, not so much because of the break up but because the guy was the perfect example of  the ‘ good guy’, you know, those good guys we only hear about by accident but never really seen. Yea, THAT guy.

Without getting into more details, what I’m trying so terribly and inadequately to say is this; I can’t imagine the amount of pain that she went through knowing that she’s been dumped for another girl, however better or worse the girl was, truth is, he left his girlfriend of 3 amazing years for a girl, whom I’d like to add is not a Muslim. My sister has been so easily and simply dumped for no good reason. My baby sister has been crushed because her boyfriend felt he needed to live his life a little before getting too serious with someone. My sister got her heart broken and scared for life because guys can be that irrational and brutal.

That’s a very hard thing to come back from. And no matter how many times I try to make logic out of it all, I fail. No matter how many times I try so freaken hard to understand how guys can be that selfish when it comes to their own happiness, I fail. The reason why guys can so effortlessly feel like it never meant anything is beyond me, the reason why guys feel like whatever memory of us, whatever memory of heartfelt moments meant nothing to them is beyond any kind of comprehension there is. How they act like we never mattered, how they act like days and years of bad memories and thousands of wonderful ones (cause that’s what makes a relationship), how they can look us in the eye if we ran into them and never say hi and act like it’s okay, how they can be so heartless and look past any kind of honest emotion that we show, how they can tear us up and move us around and still act like it’s our fault.. I don’t get it, nor will I ever do.

My heart goes out to you sis, and if you ever read this, here’s what I have to say to you;

·        Time does in fact heal all wounds… Time, girlfriends, and a rebound *giggles*

·        A breakup is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through but when you do, you come out a stronger person.

·        Just because he acts like you don’t matter, doesn’t mean it’s true.

·        Just because he acts like he doesn’t miss you, doesn’t mean he's not thinking about you every waking hour.

·        There will come a time when it will hit him that no one ever loved him like you did. (Hayfou2 met2akhar).

·        Guys are stupid.

·        A breakup makes you do crazy things, be careful not to cross the line.

·        You will go through some really frustrating days wishing and praying to God to make it all better. Cry it out if you want to. It will be fine.

·        Nostalgia is the mother of all whores, don’t give in to that.

·        During a breakup, friends will tell you to focus all your energy on the bad memories and how he did you wrong and all that crap… Honey, we both know we’re not built up that way. We will consistently torture ourselves with nothing but the O’so wonderful memories... It's okay to do that sometimes.

·        Trying to be the good guy and contact your ex for the purpose of nothing but to get it all figured out is always ALWAYS a bad idea.

·        Trying to waste your time putting two and two together will cost not only your time but your thoughts and energy where you can spend them on your friends (or current boyfriend).

·        If you pushed down your feelings at the back of your head, they will stay there… sometimes that works.

·        Sometimes a breakup opens up your eyes to the wonderful things in life you’ve been missing because you were so caught up with some guy.

·        You loved him; you gave him everything and more, you gave him little pieces of you… Don’t ever regret that.

·        Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big ones.

·        Don’t hold grudges, it will eat you alive.

·        Your memories will always be there to remind you of the person you were and how you felt back then.

·        No matter how mature we might be, we will always act like kids when we get hurt… (I for one know this to be so true) Let it all out. WHO CARES!?

·        You think you had it all, you think you owned the world, but, someday, a guy will come along that will show you the world, not just owning it (Trust me on this).

Sorry sis for the public display of affection, it was either you or me, so…

P.S This one goes out to a very nice guy whom I recently knew. He told me and I quote “you sweat too much what people think, write what you feel like and the world will read” … Thank you xoxox (When you read this you will know who you are)